Stuttering has been a part of me ever since I knew how to talk. I would argue that short of my parents, nothing had a bigger impact on me growing up and becoming the person that I am today. It’s kinda hard to talk about, so I thought that I should put some of my thoughts into writing.

So, what is stuttering?
Stuttering is a speech disorder that affects the way you talk and act. It’s inherently different for each person – how bad it is, how much it affects the stutterer, and how they deal with it.
It’s characterized by repetitions or prolongations of letters, syllables or words, as well as blocks – an inability to produce the sounds for the same.
Because of that it often looks like I need to really pressure myself to get a sentence out.

What is it like?
Christopher Constantino has explained what stuttering feels like better than I ever could. It’s a bit long, but I highly recommend either watching his talk or reading the transcript here:

Imagine [...] that we lived in a world, where the primary means of communication was handwritten notes, and you've got this problem, where every time you go to write a note, a ghost pushes your hand hard.

That initial push, the initial loss of control of hand and finger and pen, that would be the stutter. That's what it feels like.
But the person reading your note wouldn't be privy to that feeling. What they would be aware of, is the result of that push on your handwriting. The way it interrupts your cursive, the way it breaks your letters.

Now imagine that this world holds penmanship in high regard – that a clarity of writing is seen as clarity of thinking.
That inability to write neatly is equated with an inability to think neatly, or maybe to think at all.

How would you write differently?
You might try to guess when that ghost was going to push your hand – lifting the pen up at random times, when you thought you were going to get a push.
Your reader would see all the breaks in your script.
You may squeeze that pen really really hard, so that when you were pushed, you didn't move so far.
Your reader would see the rigidity in your script. It would seem tense, maybe making it sloppy.
You might fight with the ghost. After it pushes your hand, jerking your hand back down, trying to reduce the displacement of your arm.
The reader would see the scribbles along the page, as you brought your pen back under control.

The reader wouldn't know, which of those stray marks [...] they're seeing is a result of the ghost, and what is a result of you reacting to that ghost. You will have changed every letter you write, rather than just the letters that were pushed.

Stuttering works much the same way.
It's an inherently unsettling experience to feel like a part of your body is no longer listening to you.

How does it affect me?
I have developed a rather severe social anxiety with which I’m struggling nearly every day. Avoiding talking to people as much as possible and getting incredibly nervous when around others – simply ordering in a restaurant puts me on edge mentally. As you can imagine, this makes it kind of hard to make and keep friendships.

However, I’m working on improving my situation! Although it feels like little baby steps, I think I’m at least on the right track for once. I found a few great people via SLOWLY, with which I’m able to consistently exchange letters and share my life. While I hope it will blossom into a friendship where we can actually speak to each other, it’s already more than I’ve had for most of my life and feels very fulfilling.

In 2022 I also stumbled into a situation which allowed me to learn a technique that significantly improves my speech. It needs a lot of practice to be viable, but gave me lots of hope that years of speech therapy never did.
The idea behind it is to talk with a rhythm. Since talking and singing don’t happen in the exact same brain areas, stutterers can usually sing fluently. So by talking in a rhythm you’re trying to trick your brain into thinking you’re singing. As of now I can only do it sometimes and in a fairly monotonous manner, but when it works it’s great!

Thank you for reading my ramblings! I hope this helps in understanding why I am the way I am. 😶‍🌫️